just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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