I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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