he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
