i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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