I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
