Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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