Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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