i need an iv and a liver transplant
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
