that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
