yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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