My room smells like vodka and shame
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
