I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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