My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
