he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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