The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Text me some of your sweat
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
