I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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