just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
