Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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