Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize