I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Operation Purity has been aborted
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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