Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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