So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
