we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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