why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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