so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
