I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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