all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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