I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
