I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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