i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
