Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
