i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize