I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
