It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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