Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
