Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
