So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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