cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
