btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Randomize
