He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
