Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize