I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
