I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
