You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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