guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
