Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm at about main and main street
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
