When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
