I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize