Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
