life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
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