Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Randomize
