I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
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