yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
