i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
