Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
