btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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