I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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