That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
