Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
