how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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